I should probably rely on my optimism, look in the mirror, see the positive and inoculate against the dysphoria. I do it every single day. I’m the champion of celebrating the smallest of small steps. It’s not even a trick anymore, I enjoy the micro changes and can look behind and see the change, the hard work it took to get there. I’m technically in some sort of transition, sure. I’m taking meds, though slowly, by design. call it the five year extended warranty plan, ha. but skin is smoother, things happening. I even have several inches of growth that would thrill and scare any teenage girl in several places (if you know what I mean). I’m slender, tall (too tall, but that’s another story), things will work out because I’m cool with flats, don’t need heels, sure I’m confident of it, things will work out.
Today though I just feel like crap and none of that works, none of it. I could have an “unable to breath” panic attack if I wasn’t such an “in control” person. I’m just stuck in a complicated life of success. Yeah, I said it. success. meh you might say, hey I get it. certainly not an easy thing to complain about among my friends. My partner and my children are loving and accepting, they are “to the ends of the earth” with me. I’ve been out for 10 years and they are firm, steady, holding on. They are holding on because they are loyal and loving, but also because I am reliable and I can do things with their support and together we can navigate the world together through complicated situations, we know this because we’ve done it. more than once.
So far though, the rest of the world has responded to our approach with me as him, too much as him and I’m trying to find the portal to cross over and it seems so far away. I’m emotionally ready. I just don’t have the externalities figured out. We have dreams and we have desires and needs - I can meet them, as lofty as they may be with one hand tied behind my back without this one thing complicating things. to be honest, that makes me very angry. the things I could be and do if I were “cis” meh. I need to figure all of this out but it seems like what many have 20-30 more years to figure out (financial stuff) I need to figure out now. A certain 40 year career shrunk to 15? Maybe there’s another way, maybe but what we have is “it all” an easy schedule and great rewards. Transition into a loss of career, steep drop in income, hard schedule and marginalization through initial words of acceptance just seems wrong, hollow, seems unfulfilling, seems unjust. I need more time, with a few more years the things I could do, the good I could accomplish later.
I’m in my late 30’s and the lily bloom is still full and some have even marveled at the difference in how I look and my age. The time though, it’s nigh. the bloom has remained for a while, and I can tell wilting will begin soon. I don’t need to be young and beautiful, I’m not so sure I will lament the loss of my early years, but I need to transition before the dark side of the moon and the tumble down the mountain that mid life testosterone brings.
I’m sure we’ll figure it out, and I know I have so much to be thankful for. I just want to soon find the slot canyon to slide through to find the other side…